Pre-Grieving.

‘the act of mourning in advance, outcomes that are not guaranteed'

I heard this word for the first time at our training in Georgia. They shared it simultaneously with post grieving. You could tend towards one or the other or both. I didn’t apply it to myself. I was living the excited train of adventure that this enneagram 7 loves to ride: new places, new things, new people, unpredictable. I don’t mourn things or places, I just keep going, believing that mourning means I don’t trust the Lord or the outcome is not the right one. Yet, the past few months, I’ve been mourning everything! Loving on my work students, my friends, last time doing this, or last fall for a while, raking leaves, walks with mittens, our only too regular walks to Starbucks for cake-pops and coffee. I’ve learned that the one outcome is guaranteed for us in this upcoming season, it’s change. 

 

Change isn’t really new. It’s something that is required in order to grow and learn and be a better human, a better mom and wife and friend. I can’t stop thinking with all the changes all the time, with change being the constant, how much more often we should be mourning. The word synonymous with sadness, darkness, aching. The word so many, or I’ll speak for myself, thought meant I wasn’t trusting God, because if he’s in control, I can’t be sad, I can’t ache, I can’t know darkness. Lies. Lots of them. 

Mourning has been a beautiful thing in this season. A lot of tears. A lot more of trusting God with the darkness and the ache and the sadness. A lot more of loving on those around me intentionally, as we walk through a season of goodbyes and walk into a season of new things. Once I realized it’s ok to mourn, I can do it with others. I can give away my earrings to a precious girl who will wear them and be so excited. I can give my favorite books to people who will cherish them and cry through them like I did. I can ache and be so hopeful. So grateful. 

We’ve been blessed in this little community. Blessed with family that isn’t blood. Blessed with memories, and friends, and community that I wouldn’t trade all the ache for. To think it all started with the ache of moving to this small town. A town whose slogan is, “You’ll come to love us!” How encouraging!?  

Malachi and Miriam’s “friends”

So here I am, pre-grieving, yet hopeful. Sad, but joyful. Grateful, yet nervous about restarting a new way of life. Crying a lot over little things. The graduation ceremony of some of my dear kids..students.. that’s am so hopeful for, so proud of, so grateful they let me be a part of their story. So grateful for what I’m leaving, written through tears. Tears of mourning. Tears that my adventurous side of me hate, but my feeler side of me love. 

So, here’s to change. Embracing all the good and bad and beautiful of leaving and staying and trusting Him with it all. Letting it bring me closer to Him and to others. Hoping that it has made me and will make me more like Jesus, more able to serve him and love others with his love. He is my only guarantee. He is what makes it worth it, makes the future of change be ok. 

“Unless I have your help and am inwardly strengthened by You, I become quite lukewarm and lax. But you, Lord, are always the same. You remain forever-always good, just and holy; doing all things, rightly and justly, and holily, disposing them wisely. I however, who am more ready to go backward than forward, do not remain in one state, but change with the seasons.”

The Imitation of Christ by Thomas A. Kempis

Prayer Requests

+walking through the "lasts" or "not for a long time" moments

+supporting each other well

+continue adjustment through new addition of Judah Steven

+Partnership development as we go home to Rapid and continue to connect and share with people

+PRAISE for how much support and love and Jesus there has been in the past couple of months