Two worlds.

Our 9 hour drive ended pulling into our compound with shouts of home and excitement! We open the door, and Friday pauses, he never pauses.. ants. Dead. Covering our living room. We had just had a really beautiful relatively calm drive home. It was 4 pm and our routine was unload, make dinner, and unpack. Not today. 

Tiny little ants were dead all over the living room floor, kitchen floor and counters, and our bedroom and bathroom. I was wearing pants. I never wear pants in our town and it was hot. Even the simple task of Changing clothes into a simple rectangle box dress seemed impossible, because of that overwhelm of where to start sweeping ants. Dead ants everywhere. Like in my potholders and under the sink. It’s been a week and I’m still picking them out of lentils. 

We transition between two worlds too often. One of them, I can wear pants and my hair down; the other, deras (that lightweight box dress) and a tight bun. One I can easily find an iced latte or order take out. The other I can surely use my percolator on a gas stove and find the same meal at one of few restaurants. 

I have had to remind myself and my husband that this transition to the box dress world takes me a few days. I am irritable and somewhat depressed. It’s hard to remember my rotation of simple meals: lentils, beans, eggs, noodles. I forget that if you want decent bread, you bake it yourself and pizza delivery consists of dough rising and sauce boiling. 

Besides just the living life changes, I forget the spiritual changes. The amount of missionaries and Christians we engage with in one. The heaviness that follows you in the other. The call to prayer singing loudly and faithfully 5 times a day, doesn’t bring that light and hope. The world where my kids have nightmares and asking for protection over us is a normal thing, that’s where we call home, for now. 

IMO 

I’m grateful for this place to call home. It’s a world where my kids play freely outside and those three restaurants know all our names. It’s a different world than I’ve ever lived, but I sure have learned a lot. Slowing down and seeing people is important in this world. Meals as a family that we all made together is a normal thing. Seeing Jesus move in ways, we can’t plan out or hope for, is a regular gift. 

So while I long to wear pants some days and crave an iced coffee delivered to my door, I’m grateful, grateful for hot coffee on a hot day. Grateful for red dirt that stains every piece of clothing my children own. Thankful that baking 2 loaves of bread means the Lord will bring a visitor I can send the other home with. In awe of His nearness in the darkness. That worshipping through trials is my new normal. 

The ease of one world and the seeming challenge of the other, keep us in limbo. We will never really fit in, we will always be on the fringe, going between the worlds, we can still learn and love where we are. We can surely love Jesus by loving our neighbor, hoping and actively waiting for our final world. Miriam says it almost too well: “I think it’s hard for girls who didn’t grow up here to live here and fit in. We can’t Show our knees and wear tank tops.. if I wear my hair down people touch it and pick me up. People just touch me a lot. I do love our compound and my family and friends though.”

We live in the tension. We live longing for a home, a home we can’t really have outside of Jesus. That’s what keeps us saying yes to ant invasion and dresses everyday.